How to tell if your peep is a keeper.

I love my friends. Truly. Everyone should love their peeps! If you don’t- there's something wrong there. I have not the slightest clue what I would do without them. So I decided to write a blog about how to tell if your friend is a true one or not. So, here we go, How to tell if your peep is a keeper;

Here's a few hypothetical scenarios:

Scenario 1~
Your boyfriend/girlfriend just ripped your heart out and fed it to a stray dog. You're hurt. You're lonely. You want to sit in front of your TV and watch reality television and eat chocolate. Nope- your friend won’t let you. They drag you to their car and head to walmart. Why walmart you ask? Well, to get anything you need to vandalize this dick/bitches house for crushing your heart of course! After obtaining the appropriate supplies you need to "get" him/her back you and your peep head over to the soon-to-be-victim’s house with water-balloons filled with whipped cream and pudding, toilet paper (the good kind, not the five cent shit you can steal out of the Sonic bathrooms; you want that shit to last), eggs, bologna, American Cheese slices, dog treats, silly string, and shaving cream. After arriving at their house and you've made sure they're asleep make sure you've got the dog quiet with a few Milk Bones and get to work. First things first, take the bologna and slap it to the side of his/her car followed by the cheese. After you've accomplished this egg the side of the house and throw a couple of the balloons. Toss the T.P. and to finish it all off cover the windows in shaving cream.
Odds are you just might end up in jail for vandalism because the douche that you just fucked with called the popo. As you look at your friend in the back seat of the popo car their smiling at you- no matter how horrified you are you know you're not alone. Your dumb ass bestie is sitting right there with you and has just picked the lock to the hand cuffs with a hair pin.

Scenario 2~
You're walking down the street when you see one fine piece of ass walkin' on the other side. So, naturally, you shout "Hey baby! Bring that ass over here!" only to see their partner emerge from the other side of them with tightly clenched fists and a few tattoos that look like they came from a prison inmate. Before shitting your pants and praying that you don’t die your peep is already on the other side of the road whooping his/her ass shouting cuss words. After seeing this you run over immediately to help but your friend won’t let you! They're probably telling you to go after the hot guy/girl you shouted at. After about fifteen minutes of hair pulling, biting, punching, screaming, and the exchanging of numbers the popo would have been called by a nearby store. Yet again this ends with you and your pal stuck in the back of a cop car one of you bleeding and the other with a new number in your phone, both of you smiling.

Scenario 3~ 
Its late, you're drunk at a bar and you realize that you've just thrown up on someone’s really nice dress. You stumble back a bit and smile. Of course your drunk ass doesn’t apologize for barfing all over her dress but you say something about her "huge titays" popping out the top of it instead. After being slapped and having a beer tossed on you, you realize you've just pissed off the wrong bitch. But you're to drunk to care. You turn and resume your conversation with the town hobo when you get a tap on the shoulder- it just so happens to be the woman’s husband. He asks you to apologize to her and you ask him to apologize for her shitty boob job. Whether you're a boy or  a girl you just offended one tuff cookie and you're about to have a throw down... Lucky for you the bar tender knows you and your bestie so he calls them up, tells them the story and holds out the phone so they can hear you screaming like a little girl between tables being broken and pool being played.
After you’re peep shows up and breaks up the fight and starts to take your giggling, drunk ass out the door you won’t know what happened at first but what you do know is you're leaned up against their car and they're behind you beating the shit out of the dude that just fucked your shit up.  The next morning at your peep's house while drinking coffee because you're so hung over you have to wear sunglasses inside, you find out that as you walked away the bastard called you something totally fucked up and your friend went back to "clean up the mess".

Scenario 4~
You just got a divorce and you're ex-wife/husband isn’t giving you all of your shit back nor will they give you the half of the shit in the house that was entitled to you in court. While sitting in their house and watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman they decide that it’s time to get your stuff back. So they pack a chainsaw and head out. You arrive at your old house and try to use your key to get in. The locks have been changed. Not a problem for you though because your peep has already kicked in the door. You run inside and gather your things when you hear someone at the front door cussing; your ex-partner is standing there with their new man/woman. You and your friend walk out of your old room with bags full of your things and into the living room where your peep sits down and asks your ex-partner to give you the half of your stuff that you got in court. When they say no, your friend stands up, starts the chainsaw and gives them one last chance. They say no again. At this your peep starts cutting shit in half asking you which half you want (as inspired by Madea in Diary of a Mad Black Woman). This, yet again, lands you in the back of a popo car with smiles on your faces.


Makin' memories peeps. Makin' memories. Long story short- if your friend isn’t in the cop car with you, they aren’t worth having. 'Nuf said. I'm not so sure my friends would come to my house and pull a Madea with a chainsaw- I'd do it for them, but I'm crazy like that.


Thanks for reading! You can find all of my blogs on my facebook page "Go F*ck Yourself, Thanks." where you can leave a comment with an idea for a blog! Thanks again peeps! ~Cate The Human